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Enjoy Our UU Humor!

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
~Author unknown~

August's UU Humor

Meditation:

Let's all get into a comfortable position. Close your eyes

Take a few deep breaths. In, out, in, out, in out ...

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.  You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world", and all its stress... The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let him up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!... back under...

You allow yourself as many deep breathes as you want.

There now... feeling better?

Take a few more deep breathes and slowly return to reality.

July's UU Humor

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if you know at least 5 ways to say - Happy holidays!

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if your idea of a guy's night out is going to a N.O.W. rally.

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch.

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if you refer to construction paper as "paper of color."

If the name of your church is longer than your arm, you might be a Unitarian Universalist.

If you find yourself rewriting a church survey, rather than taking it, you might be a UU.

If you call up your minister in the middle of the night, panicking because you are STARTING to believe in God, you might be a UU.

If, to explain your personal theology, you have to use interpretive dance, you might be a UU.

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if you take your day planner to church instead of the Bible.
 

June's UU Humor

Why are UU congregations so bad at hymn singing?

Because they are always reading a few lines ahead to see if they agree with the words.


Speaking of hymns, Can you name a Unitarian hymn?

Sure, "Praise Be to Whom It May Concern"

May's UU Humor

As we welcome our newest members and visitors, it is only fair to let them know what we Unitarian Universalists are like and what we expect.

   ¤  We are friendly. If you are not friendly, out you go!
   ¤  We are genuine people. Even our phonies are real phonies.
   ¤  We are always sincere even if we have to fake it.
   ¤  We arenít sure how ambivelant we should be.
   ¤  We believe in tolerance and cannot stand intolerant people.
   ¤  We are optimists. Anyone who doesnít look on the bright side depresses us.
   ¤  We are more non-competitive than other groups.
   ¤  We believe in equality; everyone is as good as the next person and a whole lot better.
   ¤  Every Unitarian is a feminist, so he has to watch his language.
   ¤  The organization is run democraticly because the president insists on it.
   ¤  We have our critics, but they are paranoid.
   ¤  We are prompt about being late to meetings.
   ¤  Dogmatism is absolutely forbidden.
   ¤  Freedom of belief is rigidly enforced.
   ¤  And to this wonderful place we joyfully welcome you.

More UU Humor

HOW MANY UNITARIANS does it take to change a light bulb?

This statement was issued: "We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light-bulb Sunday service, in which we explore a number of light-bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."


Did you hear theyíve come up with a Texas version of "Survivor"? Contestants have to drive from Amarillo to Brownsville with a bumper sticker on the back of their car that says "I'm a gay, atheist, vegetarian and I'm here to take your guns."


Bumper Stickers:
1. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
2. Cover me - I'm changing lanes
3. Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.
4. Hang up and drive
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest
6. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
7. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
8. If progress means to move forward - what does congress mean?
9. If we quit voting - will they all go away?
10. If you're not outraged - you're not paying attention
11. Minimum wage for politicians
12. Politics - from the words "poly," meaning "many," and "ticks," as in "small, blood-sucking parasites"
13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
14. You! Out of the gene pool!
And, our own official UU bumper sticker:
15. GIVE ME AMBIGUITY ... OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE


Hereís the report from our ministerial search committee about some of the candidates:

Adam: Good man, but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of his wife walking naked in the woods. A lot of secrecy about a rumored ex-wife.

Noah: Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Joseph: A big thinker, but braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Solomon: Great preacher, but our church would never hold all his wives.

Jonah: Refused God's call to ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed by a great fish. He told us later that the fish spit him out on the beach. We hung up.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, has been known to curse. Had a big run in with Paul. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader. However, short on tact, unforgiving, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder, conservative with excellent connections. Knows how to handle money. We are inviting him to preach next Sunday, real possibilities here.


Offering Humor

It can buy a house
but not a home.
It can buy a bed,
but not sleep.
It can buy a clock
but not time.
It can buy a book
but not knowledge.
It can buy a position
but not respect.
It can buy medicine
but not health.
It can buy blood
but not life.
It can buy sex
but not love.
So you see, money isn't everything
and it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, as your Friend I want to
take away your pain and suffering....
So send me all your money
and I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week I received a call from the local office of the Internal Revenue Service asking about a member of the congregation -- I wonít say who. "He stated on his income tax return," said the official, "that he gave three thousand dollars last year to your congregation. Is that correct?" I answered, "I don't have the records here, and I would have to check on it. But I'll say this--if he didn't, he will." So now as we take up the morning offering, let us give freely, generously, in accordance with what we reported on our income tax.


A young boy was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service."

Dumbfounded, the boy asked, "Was that the morning service or evening service?"


Three children were talking about their religions. "I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross." "I'm Jewish," said the second, "and our symbol is the Star of David." The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a martini glass!"


The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures. The teacher
asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?" "I'm drawing a picture of
God," was the reply. "But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the
teacher. "They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done."


Three religious persons are discussing when life begins.
The Catholic says: Life begins at the moment of conception.
The Jew says: Life begins at the moment of birth.
The Unitarian says: You're both wrong. Life begins when the last
child goes to college.


Fellow goes to a UU service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it. "Darndest church I ever went to," he replies, "the only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs."


What is a Unitarian Universalist?

Universalists believe that God is too good to damn people, Unitarians believe that they are too good to be damned

People who believe in life *before* death.

An atheist with children.


"If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know the man," wrote Dostoyevsky, "don't bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, of weeping, or seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you'll get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he's a good man...All I claim to know is that laughter is the most reliabe gauge of human nature."